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This is going to be an interesting write ... because I guarantee I'm going to be wandering all over the face of the Internet before I get done.

First and most important to me is an apology to the group of you because I let my frustration with one member come out publicly.  Sometimes I think I'm supposed to know how to handle these types of situations without blowing off steam publicly - but it all boils down to the statement that I'm in the same boat that many of you are.  I didn't learn how to be sympathetic or empathetic as a child and learning those as an adult leaves a pretty big hole in my ability to be either.  Sometimes my sympathy/empathy comes across as I intend it to, sometimes it doesn't at all.

Secondly I've received several message in addition to those publicly posted that essentially say that "I come here to read, to know that I'm not alone." While I understand this, this desire to know that there are others who feel as hopeless, helpless and suicidal as we do.  I know it's hard to write about what we're feeling now ... that's why I most often write about the things that are going on with me - the stupidities and the frustrations - hoping that someone out there will understand the feelings that go along with the frustration.  I suppose that part of those feelings are "Am I not worthy of having one simple thing go right in my life?"; another part is "Am I really so screwed up that I have to fight to feel worthy of having something go right?"  The response to these, in my head, are no, I've been told repeatedly that I'm worthless, that the things I want don't matter.  So why the hell do I keep on fighting?  I really don't know - something in me won't let me quit ...

More than once I've read that some of what I write seems to be condemning ... I write from my heart, I write from my feelings.  I know that I sometimes, possibly too often?, suggest that someone rethink what they're doing.  I care for each and every one of you and when you write that you're doing something that is going to harm yourself or others - yes, I do ask that you think that over seriously.  We recently had a member who stated her intent to "fulfill her destiny", she knew what she was going to do, she knew the effects it would have and at that point all I could do was to wish that she would ...

Take care of yourself, in whatever way you feel is right ...
We live by each other and for each other. Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much.
-- Helen Keller
Apparently my messed up brain can't do currency conversions... because my 2 cents Cdn is more like 1 cent US. Sheesh.

I also can't remember how to quote my post so you would have at least some idea what randomness I am talking about.

Dragon, I do appreciate your posts on what is going on in your life. I don't always comment, but I do read. Sometimes I don't know what to say that won't sound stupid (apparently my social anxiety even carries over to online) so I just say nothing.
When it seems all is forsaken
Listen to me now
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness will show you the light.

~ The Light, Disturbed

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