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Essay "If you really wanted to die you'd be dead already."
#1
If I wanted to die so badly, why don't I just kill myself? There is a wide gulf between wanting and succeeding. Someone may want to become a pro athlete, but to succeed, there are sacrifices required and work to be done.
The first difficulty I must face is choosing a method. I must weigh the lethality of the method with how much pain I am likely to suffer. Is it slow or fast acting? Can it be acquired legally or not? The method I've chosen is firearm, but I haven't yet worked out where to buy one and how to transport it home secretly with no car.
Second, I have to consider where and by whom my body will be found. I will not let my family be the ones to discover my body so home is not an option. Should I send a time delay email, or leave a note somewhere? What if I lose courage when the time comes and people read my note saying I am dead?
Third, I must justify my suicide while knowing that it is the worst pain I could ever inflict on my family. So pain to loved ones is guaranteed, and yet I cannot even be certain if my own pain will end. What about the possibility of eternal damnation, or being reincarnated to suffer through life all over again, presumably in an even worse state because I ruined and ended my previous life?
Suicide is taking a huge risk, and there is no turning back once you commit. Peace for you is uncertain, pain to loved ones is certain. The consequences of failure are very serious; they include being physically maimed and disfigured, getting locked up in a sanitarium, and general loss of trust, freedom, and respect from the people around you. Therefore there is much to be feared, on top of the strong, biological fear of pain and death. Perhaps worst of all, is the fact that all this must be faced secretly and alone. Suicide is taboo, and there is no one I can trust to help me and to confide in. For all these reason, suicide is not as simple an undertaking as it might first appear.
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#2
(11-06-2011, 06:03 PM)no_escape link Wrote: Perhaps worst of all, is the fact that all this must be faced secretly and alone.

I agree.
"I want to thrive, not just survive." - Thrive, Switchfoot
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#3
(11-07-2011, 09:13 PM)nightsong link Wrote: Thank you for sharing this.  I agree with you on many points.  I hope that you have found this board to be helpful in confiding in, though.

It is helpful to share feelings. Once resolved on taking the final steps though, I feel it's too much responsibility to place on anyone to assist in execution and planning. It's one of the most unfortunate things about suicide I feel... that the person has to die alone, like they are committing a guilty, criminal act.
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#4
(11-08-2011, 10:40 PM)no_escape link Wrote: It's one of the most unfortunate things about suicide I feel... that the person has to die alone, like they are committing a guilty, criminal act.

Again, I agree.  Sad
"I want to thrive, not just survive." - Thrive, Switchfoot
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