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Poem
#1
I know this little poem is kinda crappy but its my first time so be gentle in your criticism.


1. Shoulda been, (A)
2. Coulda been, (A)
3. Woulda been dead, (B)
4. If only I could get that bullet in my head. (B)
5. One shot ends my pains, ©
6. One shot spills my brains. ©
7. Finally it'll be the end, (D)
8. There's no more time to mend, (D)
9. Soon ill be going around that bend, (D)
10. Never to be seen again. (E)
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#2
(02-16-2010, 10:47 PM)Light link Wrote: I know this little poem is kinda crappy but its my first time so be gentle in your criticism.


1. Shoulda been, (A)
2. Coulda been, (A)
3. Woulda been dead, (B)
4. If only I could get that bullet in my head. (B)
5. One shot ends my pains, ©
6. One shot spills my brains. ©
7. Finally it'll be the end, (D)
8. There's no more time to mend, (D)
9. Soon ill be going around that bend, (D)
10. Never to be seen again. (E)

thanks for sharing your poem. I have never seen this form of writing before.
what stikes me is the fracturedness of your writing, in that you make each line a statement by presenting a number before
it. I'm wondering if this is a reflection of your fracturedness inside?

I like that that you put letters after each line. i write poetry aswell and i see there is the ryhythm of your letters of A,A,B,B,C,C,D D,D, E.... It brings me to wonder of  the rhythyms of life and how i use them in my poetry. I also find it interesting that
letters at the end of each line could represent any word, in different world languages.
I'm not sure what the letters
mean for you though?

with best wishes



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#3
Thank you for your complements. The numbers show how many lines there are but also point out the fact that each of these statements are said by themselves. An example would be that you would say "shoulda been" pause "coulda been" pause "woulda been dead" etc. As for the letters at the end they make up the poems rhyme scheme, I learned how to make a rhyme scheme or at least determine a rhyme scheme in a poem in my English class.

(02-17-2010, 12:38 PM)Cordelia link Wrote: [quote author=Light link=topic=1420.msg8764#msg8764 date=1266378446]
I know this little poem is kinda crappy but its my first time so be gentle in your criticism.


1. Shoulda been, (A)
2. Coulda been, (A)
3. Woulda been dead, (B)
4. If only I could get that bullet in my head. (B)
5. One shot ends my pains, ©
6. One shot spills my brains. ©
7. Finally it'll be the end, (D)
8. There's no more time to mend, (D)
9. Soon ill be going around that bend, (D)
10. Never to be seen again. (E)

thanks for sharing your poem. I have never seen this form of writing before.
what stikes me is the fracturedness of your writing, in that you make each line a statement by presenting a number before
it. I'm wondering if this is a reflection of your fracturedness inside?

I like that that you put letters after each line. i write poetry aswell and i see there is the ryhythm of your letters of A,A,B,B,C,C,D D,D, E.... It brings me to wonder of  the rhythyms of life and how i use them in my poetry. I also find it interesting that
letters at the end of each line could represent any word, in different world languages.
I'm not sure what the letters
mean for you though?

with best wishes




[/quote]
Reply
#4
(02-17-2010, 02:15 PM)Light link Wrote: Thank you for your complements. The numbers show how many lines there are but also point out the fact that each of these statements are said by themselves. An example would be that you would say \"shoulda been\" pause \"coulda been\" pause \"woulda been dead\" etc. As for the letters at the end they make up the poems rhyme scheme, I learned how to make a rhyme scheme or at least determine a rhyme scheme in a poem in my English class.

you're very welcome.
thanks for explaining that to me, I actually missed that there was a connection between rhyming the words
and the letters. that makes perfect sense.

I understand what you mean when you say that the statements are said by themselves.
Each statement says a lot.
using the word shoulda in your first line brings me in touch with all
the should's i carry...  like for example... I think "I should eat my patatoes" and I hate patatoes.
hate them, hate them, hate them Smile
but though i'm in my thrities, i still have this thought. so i tend to eat more of what i like.
This is not meant to trivialize your poem. i find all shoulds cramp my freedom, but i need to know them first.

...lke you are aware of the "should" you carry here.


In my writing i often carry a word from one poem into another. so one a word or statement can
give to another creation.
....there are so many statements here. possibly room
your next creation?


with best wishes




Reply
#5
I like it, but if you meant for each of them to be statements, shouldn't you have used a period at the end of each sentence instead of using the comma on certain sentences?? Either way it works for me and I like it.... Thanks for sharing it Light.....

Peace &  :ht:,
Jenni
The Eleventh Doctor: Nobody important? Blimey, that's amazing. You know that in nine hundred years of time and space and I've never met anybody who wasn't important before.
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